Garbled in the pit of my soul, swirling around in a flood of spiritual hopes and a mess of other thoughts that don't belong, I struggle to grab a hold of truth. I know this place. I've been here before. The stagnant waters of my guts are being stirred. Bittersweet stirring. The bitter being the bit about recognizing and letting go of comfortable parts that don't belong, the sweet being the freedom that results from a lighter load and the experience of having been refined, once the process is complete - for that round. The fire is never fun, and I feel the warmth of it, like I'm strapped to a conveyor belt whose end destination is unbearable heat.
As I type this I sit beside my baby in her high chair, who with her chocolate mustache offers me a slobbered-on cocoa puff, and her smile brings me comfort, but I still know that the warmth I feel right now from a distance is about to grow at a ravenous rate culminating in uncomfortable, intense, burning of being directly in a fire.
As a follower of Jesus Christ, this is a situation that I long for, pray about and hope for - growth in Christ -yet that I also want to run from. The pain of change, the pain of me dying and Christ living in me is the very thing that results in joy. It is what I am meant to do daily. Forget about myself. Glorify God. Simple. Yet daily a battle awaits me, one that I will win if and ONLY IF I am armed with my faith in Jesus. But a faith that goes beyond the surface is built upon seeking, practicing, and it is fine tuned on the bumpy roads of life rather than the smooth ones. Oh the bumpy roads . . .
Crunch. Another coco puff crushed into a fine powdery mist certain to be blown about the house by the breezy Dominican winds rushing in through open doors and windows. How to take captive my thoughts that deceive me, a heart that gives way to flesh and to not believe lies - to develop godly discipline because I love the one that has rescued me from certain death, though not the fire.
When is the last time you were stirred by God? What does stirring look like for you?
I am stirring right now, reading an awesome book that I am going to study over and over called _Made to Crave_ by Lysa TerKeurst ($9 on Amazon, Dec 2010 release). Actually feels like I am coming out of culture-shock numbness but this book is an honestly-written expose' on how we women fill our craving for God with other things, and how we can break the habits and walk more dependently on him rather than on food mostly (but also things). I was snubbing the whole idea of new year's resolutions and then Lysa appeared on K-Love radio's morning show on my way to work and she challenged the "I don't care" attitude I was hiding behind. It's a new day for me!
ReplyDelete